you're worth an eternity of loving, darling.

I just wanna hug everyone tonight.  I just wanna look you in the eyes and say, "Darling, YOU ARE ENOUGH.  YOU MATTER.  YOU ARE WORTH LOVING."  I just wanna love everyone I meet so hard that they stop and ask, "Why do you love people so much?" so I can say, "JESUS."

I don't know, I just want to encourage you today to have conversations with people.  Have conversations with people you've known forever and have conversations with people you've only just met.  Just have conversations.  And by "conversations", I mean listening to what the other has to say and not thinking about what you're going to say next.  It'll be your turn to talk soon enough, goodness gracious.  Take the time to hear people.  There's absolutely no limit to the relationships you will build simply by listening to what is on someone's heart.  How many times have you said to yourself, "If only someone would just listen to me"?  Be that person for others.

Can I ever stress enough how vital loving people is? When you choose to love someone without a second thought of whether they will care or return it, you are saying, "You are enough. You matter. You are worth loving." Please, please, please, don't discredit the importance of sending that message by example. You can tell people they matter all you want (and you should! please, please do), but what really makes them stop and listen is when they see you caring even when you don't have to. It's about how you stick around and love even harder when they keep giving you reasons to give up. It's not about loving when it's easy. It's about loving when all you want to do is say, "But they didn't love me."

Jesus has loved me so hard that I couldn't see past Him to doubt His love. One of the ways He expressed that love was by bringing people into my life who saw past my insecurities and age and silliness and just freaking loved me. That's why I'm so passionate about doing that for others. I desperately want you to see how deeply He loves you, darling.

Now, go love people as hard as you can. They're worth loving, and so are YOU.

contentment with a side of joy, please.

"I am fiercely loved and one of my biggest downfalls is not acknowledging that enough."

I haven't written anything in over a month. Why, you ask (not that you're asking or anything)? Because my heart hasn't been aching deeply. Dangit. Shouldn't I have more to say when my heart isn't hurting? I don't know. Don't ask me. But I'm here again! Yes, I know, you're so excited. I hope you can detect the sarcasm in that statement. Anyway, I'm moving on before I embarrass myself further. Don't worry, I'm not back because my heart is aching deeply. I'm back because it isn't.

Last month, a friend asked me how I was doing and I honestly wasn't sure how to give a short answer to that, so I simply replied with, "That depends on how interested you are in the answer." He assured me that he was interested, so then I actually had to come up with an accurate description of how I was. I'll skip mentioning the negative parts of my life here that I stated because they're irrelevant, but rest assured that I had some stuff going on in my brain that was trying to get me down on myself. But the point I'm trying to reach with all of my 3am jumbled ramblings is the fact that I could honestly tell my friend that I was doing wonderfully. Despite the stuff that was dragging my brain back into that "You're not good enough and you'll never amount to anything" mentality, I could honestly say, "You know, I'm doing wonderfully."

How did I ever manage to get my thick-headed, always negative, selfish little self to that point? Spoiler alert: I sure as heck didn't do anything. It was all Jesus.

My cousin and I were talking one time several months back and she said something that struck a chord in my heart and hasn't stopped bouncing around in my brain ever since. We were talking about how the year had been really emotionally difficult for her and how she managed to get through that and she brought up contentment. She said, "If I could only ever have one of God's blessings, it would be contentment because, without it, nothing would ever be enough for me." Oh, dang. That's it. That's it.

I keep coming back to that. My heart likes to focus on all the things that are not good in my life, but I have to tell my silly heart to shut up and see the GOOD. Because, oh, is there good in my life. Here's a little snippet of what I sent to my friend: "I have friends who truly care about me and show that more than they ever have before, I have parents who invest so deeply in me, and I have Jesus who gives me enough joy and strength to face everything I have to deal with.  I am fiercely loved and one of my biggest downfalls is not acknowledging that enough."

Now! Lest you think I'm here to glorify what I said and how I'm content with my life, lemme get something straight here:  I am possibly the worst ever at acknowledging and appreciating the blessings in my life. For every moment of contentment I have, I spend at least 10 moments wishing for something better and lovelier. So please don't think that I'm trying to put my small moment of appreciating my life's little blessings on a pedestal because I am not. If anyone is worthy of standing on that pedestal, it would be literally anyone but me.

All I know about this contentment thing is that it comes from Jesus. I am anything but an expert, but I do know that it comes only from Jesus and being acutely aware of His relentless love for us. When you give all that yuck in your life over to your sweet Jesus, He will give you a joy that you can't explain. You'll find yourself vainly searching for words to describe how you're doing when an acquaintance asks. Mm, darling, what a beautiful place to be.

But before I end, lemme say one more thing: Your pain does not have to diminish your contentment. You own that pain. Don't push it back down into that part of your heart that you don't let visit. Own it, sweetheart. Don't you dare let your pain take away from your joy. Let it add to your joy by saying, "Here, Jesus. Make this beautiful. It hurts, but it's Yours. Do what You want with it."

Tonight, I'm choosing to let my heart dwell in the beautiful things...and those beautiful things aren't just the flowers and chocolate that happened today, remember. I really hope you'll choose to do the same. It'll change your world, darling.

darling, the little things matter.

My heart is screaming out to be the person that everyone sees as joyful and encouraging. My heart is screaming out to be the person who, when someone is hurting, they know they can come to me and spill everything out without fear or hesitation. My heart is screaming out to be the person that inspires others to love Jesus with everything in them. My heart is saying, "I'm not that person and I will never measure up."

Oh, but heart, that is where you're wrong.

It's not the times when I say something and everyone falls off their seats from its profoundness. It's not the times when I say something and everyone tells me, "Wow, Natalie, that's exactly what I needed to hear!" It's not the times when everyone comes to me with their hearts to pour everything into my lap and wait for me to say "just the right thing". My heart is hung up on the numbers and the responses when I can see clearly that what I'm saying and doing matters right now.

Today, I refuse to allow my heart to be discouraged. Today, I'm reminding myself of the times when I have had the opportunity for conversation. My heart often likes to overlook the importance and necessity of conversation. My heart is pretty selfish and only wants the exciting stuff. But guess what matters more? The small stuff. The times when you tell someone you love them. The times when you look someone in the eye and say with all the sincerity in you, "How are you today?" and they can feel that you mean it and care what they have to say. The times when you see someone with an aching heart and you just hug it out. The times when you say, "You matter" to someone who's never believed it. I could go on forever. Those times matter infinitely. Seize them. Cherish them. You are making a difference with your smile to that stranger who looks like they're having the worst day of their life. See how their face lights up when they see that you care?

So, today I'm not going to dismiss the small things. I'm going to be encouraged by smiles and "I love you"s and hugs and "You matter"s. I'm going to encourage with those, as well. Don't let yourself get discouraged by a lack of response. What you're doing matters. What you're saying matters. You're leaving your mark on this world. People see it and people feel it. Don't you dare discredit your ability to make the world better simply because someone didn't say, "Hey, you said exactly what I needed to hear." Love with Jesus' love and the world will remember that...but don't let it be about fame. Let it be about Jesus and eternity, because they matter the most.

This post was me writing to myself, but I sure hope it resonates with you as well. Be encouraged, darling. You're worth the fight.

own this pain.

"I was so broken, but there was so much beauty in that brokenness, and I could finally see that."

This weekend, I was reminded of the darkest season of my life.  I switched things up a bit and wrote about it for an assignment in my online class.  It brought back so many feelings that I'd left behind in my sweet Jesus' hands.  I felt that pain again and it almost made me break down all over again.  It hurt.  My heart ached being reminded of it, but I'm so thankful that I was.

In hindsight, I see the necessity of that time.  I realize that I would not be the person I am today (flawed and messy as I am) without it.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I wanted it all to end at the time.  Yes, I felt like I would never climb out of my pit of darkness.  But, oh, how Jesus used that.

There's an underlying theme in who I am and what this blog thing is all about.  You've probably noticed it if you've read more than one of my posts.  That theme is the beauty in pain.  Jesus takes that hurt--yes, that hurt that is threatening to overwhelm you and seems like it will never end--and makes it so beautiful.  Your life is and will be such a beautiful thing.  That's why you gotta stick out the pain.  It will end.  I promise.  I totally understand the feeling that it never will.  I've been there.  I've been in that moment when you feel like you're drowning in pain and you'll never get a breath of fresh air.  I've felt it.  I haven't felt your pain and I haven't experienced your circumstances, but this pain will not last forever and I can promise you that.

"But You are a Savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

Honestly, I feel like this post wasn't focused, so lemme just tell ya what I'm feelin' here.  I know you're hurting.  Life can throw some pretty intense stuff straight into our faces just when we glance the other way.  But I'm just saying that you can make it.  This pain will end and it will be made so beautiful.  Next year (or maybe even tomorrow), you will look back at this season and say, "Wow, that really shaped who I am today."  So, are you going to surrender and let our Jesus make this beautiful or are you going to hold onto your pain and keep trying to dig yourself out on your own?  I did that once.  The walls only caved in and I found myself in deeper (don't do it. it's really bad and unhealthy and ineffective okay?).

Let Jesus take this brokenness and make it beautiful.  You're worth it.  Keep on keepin' on.  I believe in you.  You're a rock star and you will make it.

underwhelmed by perfect love?

"I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."

I have a 40-minute drive home from church.  Those 40 minutes are often occupied by singing as loud as I can to bands like The Vespers or Mike Mains & The Branches.  I honestly don't listen to the radio very often when it's just me.  I put in a CD and sing so hard that I get out any aggression I'm feeling.  But some nights, on the way home from youth group, after feeling that intense desire for worship, I turn on Christian radio and let Jesus do the talking.  That was me last night.  And He talked.

I was jumping stations a lot due to bad reception, Casting Crowns, and the KLOVE pledge drive (I admire them for being able to be listener-supported but I do not admire their begging techniques and I have no money to pledge and I'm all-around heartless, so I avoid it).  I heard "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave twice on two different stations and was hit by a metaphorical bus.  I get overwhelmed by everything so easily.  Sometimes I look at an assignment in school and say (dramatically), "I'll never be able to do this!"  I see sunsets and other pretty things and get utterly overwhelmed by the pretty and have a little meltdown right there.  But Jesus?  Do I get overwhelmed by the goodness and constancy and relentless love of my Jesus?  Not too often.  Some days I realize how much I can't comprehend His love, but it's not a common thing.  I should be in constant awe of His beauty, grace, and love.  Reality check numero uno.

A little later, as I was going through the dark, borderline uninhabited stretch of my drive home, a line in a song gave me a little slap in the face.  "I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."  (Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray)  Whaaat?  I had to process this for a while.  When has that ever been enough for me?  Oh, I wish I could say, "Jesus has ALWAYS been enough for me and I never ever desire more from this life than His love!" but that would be such a lie.  Man.  Jesus was just gettin' straight to my heart.  I honestly had to blink back a few tears (we are talking an emotional teenage girl here, I mean, come on) and acknowledge that, nope, He's never been enough, and if I keep on the way I am, He never will be.  Oooh, that stings.  It sure does hurt my pride, and that's exactly why it needs to be addressed and dealt with.

So here I am:  I'm a mess.  I'm a hypocrite.  I'm basically a lost cause on my own.  But that's not the end of my story and I will not allow myself to be manipulated by the lie that I will never amount to anything more.  Because here I am:  Loved relentlessly and passionately and patiently by a beautiful God who will never stop saying "I'm not finished with you yet, My darling daughter."  Tonight, I choose to park in that.

it'll be beautiful soon enough.

"My heart can't take this anymore."

I've said this (though not consciously most of the time) too often lately.  My heart feels like it's been beaten up these past few weeks.  It hasn't been hurt by anyone in particular, except one person: Myself.  My brutal honesty with myself at 1 in the morning has thrown some pretty significant blows to my heart.  After a week of this, my heart has been saying, "I can't take this anymore.  Please make it stop." and I'm echoing those sentiments.

But I'm here with my rebuttal: "Yes, heart.  You will survive this.  You will make it through.  You will be okay...but not on your own.  You will not make it out alive on your own."  I'm claiming Psalm 108:13, that I will do valiantly through my Jesus.  I'm claiming the love He has for me and that it will sustain me.  I'm claiming His relentless pursuit and comfort.  I'm claiming Him.  I know that without Jesus, I will never survive.  I'll never make it.  My heart will never recover without Him.

So, heart.  I know you're hurting.  I am, too.  I know you want this pain to go away right now.  I do, too.  I know you're ready to give up.  I am, too.  But don't.  Take heart, heart.  We will do valiantly.  You and I, we'll make it out alright.  We'll be just fine.  But we gotta be patient and let Jesus do the necessary work in us.  He will make this beautiful soon.  He's already starting.  Just wait and see.  This is going to be beautiful.  I can't wait.

constancy.

"Thank goodness He remains constant even when everything else in the world changes."

My dear friend said that to me tonight and wow, just listen to that.  Even when everything else in the world changes, He is the same.  He is constant.  He is relentless.  I love that.

Life is hard.  Sometimes people hurt us and, seemingly even more common, sometimes we hurt ourselves.  Things we wanted to stay the same forever change (and let's be honest, once that happens, it's never going to go back to the way things were).  That hurts.  It hurts so much.  Why can't things just stay the same?  Why can't life just be this way all the time?  I have asked myself this countless times.  There really is no answer.

But...He is the same.  Even when everything else in the world changes, He is the same.  There's so much peace in that truth for me.  He will not change even when my circumstances do. He will not change even when my attitude does.  He will not change even when people do.  He simply will not change.

So I will rest in Him.  I will rest in His constancy when the world is spinning out of control or simply when my heart is screaming out for the way things used to be.  I will curl up on His lap and lean into His heartbeat and let my Daddy be my Rock.  My never-changing Rock that will keep me grounded in the painful change that is inevitable in life.

"Thank goodness He remains constant even when everything else in the world changes."

but it hurts.

I'm slowly learning the beauty and necessity in choosing joy.  It has been a lesson I've been learning off and on for the past year but recently it's become more real to me.  Jesus is not glorified in my choosing sadness.

Pain is real and it doesn't go away magically with my deliberate decision to smile and look for the positives in my situation, but it can be overcome.  That does not mean that we are to smile and pretend everything is dandy.  No, quite the opposite.  Not only is pain real, but it is also necessary for growth and maturity.  Allow yourself to hurt.  Cry.  Even be angry.  But do not allow yourself to park there.

Pain may be necessary, but it cannot control your life.  Sadness cannot become your lifestyle.  Let joy be your lifestyle.  Park there.  Live in the constant knowledge of Jesus' desperate love for you.  Overcome your sadness with an acknowledgement of the truth that NEVERTHELESS, He is still GOOD.  Live there and let that transform your attitude and lifestyle.  He is ready, able, and SO willing to change your life for the better.

Live in His love.  Live in His goodness.  Live in His constancy.  He is near.  He is here.  He is yours.