I've been stuck in a rut. I'm not sure how many of my posts have started this way, but I'm pretty sure that this is not the first one, nor will it be the last. I'm not sure if this post is even going to have anything relevant or worth reading, but I haven't written anything in a while and I kinda missed it (also I'm writing a research paper right now and writing this sounded much more appealing).
Anyway! I've been stuck in a rut for months. I've had little moments of relief, but when I get real with myself, I haven't been out of this rut since December. Maybe even November. I mean, that's not to say that I haven't been happy. I have been, for the most part. I've just been stuck.
What is this rut I'm speaking of, you ask? Well, there are several.
The rut of my comfort zone.
The rut of letting my friends exclude me from their circle because I'm too afraid to intentionally make my presence known.
The rut of putting Jesus on the back burner while I try to survive without Him.
The rut of not applying myself to anything I try to do.
The rut of not choosing joy.
The rut of allowing myself to be distant, even from people who care deeply and love me fiercely.
The rut of "I got this. I don't need help."
The rut of vague tweets about my dissatisfaction with life.
The rut of saying, "I'm fine" when people who care ask what's wrong.
The rut of simply not caring.
Last night, I had a talk with myself and Jesus. We talked about a lot of things, but one thing in particular stuck with me and has been bouncing through my head today.
I've been trying so hard to do this on my own. I've been saying, "I got this. I don't need help." I've been totally neglecting Jesus in my heart, but talking a big game about Him. The hypocrisy of that disgusts me. It makes me so angry with myself.
But Jesus told me to stop trying to do life by myself, and that's what I'm going to try to do. It's not going to be easy. That makes me want to give up, honestly. I don't like doing hard things...but if it were easy, would it really be as worth it? I'm going to keep reminding myself of that. You can, too. If you see me getting discouraged or distant, point me back to this blog and make me eat my words.
Ugh, guys, this entire post feels so stupid and pointless, but in the interest of transparency, I'm going to post it anyway. I don't know how many people actually read this blog thing, but for those who do, I just want you to know that I've been struggling a lot and I REALLY APPRECIATE THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE NOTICED AND EXPRESSED INTEREST IN MY WELL-BEING. I probably brushed you off (see several of the ruts I listed above), but it seriously means so dang much when people show that they care about me.
Sorry for this a rambly, unfocused post. You have full permission never to read my blog again.
