darling, the little things matter.

My heart is screaming out to be the person that everyone sees as joyful and encouraging. My heart is screaming out to be the person who, when someone is hurting, they know they can come to me and spill everything out without fear or hesitation. My heart is screaming out to be the person that inspires others to love Jesus with everything in them. My heart is saying, "I'm not that person and I will never measure up."

Oh, but heart, that is where you're wrong.

It's not the times when I say something and everyone falls off their seats from its profoundness. It's not the times when I say something and everyone tells me, "Wow, Natalie, that's exactly what I needed to hear!" It's not the times when everyone comes to me with their hearts to pour everything into my lap and wait for me to say "just the right thing". My heart is hung up on the numbers and the responses when I can see clearly that what I'm saying and doing matters right now.

Today, I refuse to allow my heart to be discouraged. Today, I'm reminding myself of the times when I have had the opportunity for conversation. My heart often likes to overlook the importance and necessity of conversation. My heart is pretty selfish and only wants the exciting stuff. But guess what matters more? The small stuff. The times when you tell someone you love them. The times when you look someone in the eye and say with all the sincerity in you, "How are you today?" and they can feel that you mean it and care what they have to say. The times when you see someone with an aching heart and you just hug it out. The times when you say, "You matter" to someone who's never believed it. I could go on forever. Those times matter infinitely. Seize them. Cherish them. You are making a difference with your smile to that stranger who looks like they're having the worst day of their life. See how their face lights up when they see that you care?

So, today I'm not going to dismiss the small things. I'm going to be encouraged by smiles and "I love you"s and hugs and "You matter"s. I'm going to encourage with those, as well. Don't let yourself get discouraged by a lack of response. What you're doing matters. What you're saying matters. You're leaving your mark on this world. People see it and people feel it. Don't you dare discredit your ability to make the world better simply because someone didn't say, "Hey, you said exactly what I needed to hear." Love with Jesus' love and the world will remember that...but don't let it be about fame. Let it be about Jesus and eternity, because they matter the most.

This post was me writing to myself, but I sure hope it resonates with you as well. Be encouraged, darling. You're worth the fight.

own this pain.

"I was so broken, but there was so much beauty in that brokenness, and I could finally see that."

This weekend, I was reminded of the darkest season of my life.  I switched things up a bit and wrote about it for an assignment in my online class.  It brought back so many feelings that I'd left behind in my sweet Jesus' hands.  I felt that pain again and it almost made me break down all over again.  It hurt.  My heart ached being reminded of it, but I'm so thankful that I was.

In hindsight, I see the necessity of that time.  I realize that I would not be the person I am today (flawed and messy as I am) without it.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I wanted it all to end at the time.  Yes, I felt like I would never climb out of my pit of darkness.  But, oh, how Jesus used that.

There's an underlying theme in who I am and what this blog thing is all about.  You've probably noticed it if you've read more than one of my posts.  That theme is the beauty in pain.  Jesus takes that hurt--yes, that hurt that is threatening to overwhelm you and seems like it will never end--and makes it so beautiful.  Your life is and will be such a beautiful thing.  That's why you gotta stick out the pain.  It will end.  I promise.  I totally understand the feeling that it never will.  I've been there.  I've been in that moment when you feel like you're drowning in pain and you'll never get a breath of fresh air.  I've felt it.  I haven't felt your pain and I haven't experienced your circumstances, but this pain will not last forever and I can promise you that.

"But You are a Savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

Honestly, I feel like this post wasn't focused, so lemme just tell ya what I'm feelin' here.  I know you're hurting.  Life can throw some pretty intense stuff straight into our faces just when we glance the other way.  But I'm just saying that you can make it.  This pain will end and it will be made so beautiful.  Next year (or maybe even tomorrow), you will look back at this season and say, "Wow, that really shaped who I am today."  So, are you going to surrender and let our Jesus make this beautiful or are you going to hold onto your pain and keep trying to dig yourself out on your own?  I did that once.  The walls only caved in and I found myself in deeper (don't do it. it's really bad and unhealthy and ineffective okay?).

Let Jesus take this brokenness and make it beautiful.  You're worth it.  Keep on keepin' on.  I believe in you.  You're a rock star and you will make it.

underwhelmed by perfect love?

"I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."

I have a 40-minute drive home from church.  Those 40 minutes are often occupied by singing as loud as I can to bands like The Vespers or Mike Mains & The Branches.  I honestly don't listen to the radio very often when it's just me.  I put in a CD and sing so hard that I get out any aggression I'm feeling.  But some nights, on the way home from youth group, after feeling that intense desire for worship, I turn on Christian radio and let Jesus do the talking.  That was me last night.  And He talked.

I was jumping stations a lot due to bad reception, Casting Crowns, and the KLOVE pledge drive (I admire them for being able to be listener-supported but I do not admire their begging techniques and I have no money to pledge and I'm all-around heartless, so I avoid it).  I heard "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave twice on two different stations and was hit by a metaphorical bus.  I get overwhelmed by everything so easily.  Sometimes I look at an assignment in school and say (dramatically), "I'll never be able to do this!"  I see sunsets and other pretty things and get utterly overwhelmed by the pretty and have a little meltdown right there.  But Jesus?  Do I get overwhelmed by the goodness and constancy and relentless love of my Jesus?  Not too often.  Some days I realize how much I can't comprehend His love, but it's not a common thing.  I should be in constant awe of His beauty, grace, and love.  Reality check numero uno.

A little later, as I was going through the dark, borderline uninhabited stretch of my drive home, a line in a song gave me a little slap in the face.  "I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."  (Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray)  Whaaat?  I had to process this for a while.  When has that ever been enough for me?  Oh, I wish I could say, "Jesus has ALWAYS been enough for me and I never ever desire more from this life than His love!" but that would be such a lie.  Man.  Jesus was just gettin' straight to my heart.  I honestly had to blink back a few tears (we are talking an emotional teenage girl here, I mean, come on) and acknowledge that, nope, He's never been enough, and if I keep on the way I am, He never will be.  Oooh, that stings.  It sure does hurt my pride, and that's exactly why it needs to be addressed and dealt with.

So here I am:  I'm a mess.  I'm a hypocrite.  I'm basically a lost cause on my own.  But that's not the end of my story and I will not allow myself to be manipulated by the lie that I will never amount to anything more.  Because here I am:  Loved relentlessly and passionately and patiently by a beautiful God who will never stop saying "I'm not finished with you yet, My darling daughter."  Tonight, I choose to park in that.