finding contentment.

"Springtime is a time to start anew and that goes for what's inside of you." // "Springtime" / Kurt Johnson

When I looked out at the sun shining on the grass and felt an unexplainable joy, that's when I knew I'd found contentment. When I found myself taking tons of aesthetic-y photos, that's when I knew I'd found contentment. When I just wanted to lay in the grass and soak in the sun, that's when I knew I'd found contentment. And oddly enough, I think contentment is leading me back to Jesus.

It's been such a struggle for me to pursue Jesus lately because I've been afraid to do it with the wrong intentions. But tonight, as I'm laying in the grass and watching the sun set, I think I've found the place where I can pursue Him without an agenda. Because tonight I can see Him in the sunset. Tonight I can hear Him in the birds chirping. I can smell Him in the grass. I can feel Him in the breeze. This is the way it was meant to be. Every distraction merely reminds me of Him because He is everywhere.

I want to pursue Him out of thankfulness for His love and faithfulness and constancy. I want to pursue Him because He's given me that simple enjoyment for the ordinary again. I want to pursue Him because He's led me to contentment and taught me how to choose it over and over again.

Spring is here and I am made new.

the familiarity of fear.

The thing is, you have to give over the fear. You can't keep picking it back up and claiming it. He breaks the chains, but that doesn't keep you from clinging to them. What good is it to be freed from something when you keep running back and living in it? You have to stop holding on.

How many times do you have to break before you'll let go of the fear? How much longer do you intend to wrap the broken chains around you? They don't have to bind you. He's broken them. They are not your prison anymore. You've deceived yourself into thinking that it's comfortable in the bindings of fear. Don't you see the cuts and scars those bindings have inflicted on you? Don't you feel the bruises?

Fear is not comfortable. It's familiar. The darkness of your fear prison has become familiar, but it is not what God has for you. When you step into the sunshine and out of the darkness, the light's brilliance burns your eyes. You blink quickly and shade your eyes, but soon you adjust to the light. You let yourself believe that your new-found freedom is not worth the vulnerability of staring into the sunlight after a lifetime of darkness. 

Don't let the moments when the sunshine burns your eyes keep you from the light. Don't let the unfamiliarity of freedom keep you from dropping the chains. Stand up and tell the whole world, "I'm no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God."

see mom, i'm learning.

I really want to talk about some of the things I've learned in the past month. It's pretty amazing to sit down and think about how far I've come and how much God has taught me. This past month has had some of my worst days, some of my best days, and one of the scariest moments in a long time. But through it all, as I think you'll see from reading the rest of this post, God has been overwhelmingly good and faithful. It sounds cliche to talk about having your faith tested, but I really do think that it's happened a lot recently and it's been a painfully beautiful experience.

I'm learning that my brain simply cannot fathom the goodness and faithfulness of God.

I'm learning that God shows up every time, even when I start to think He's forgotten me.

I'm learning that it's okay not to have the perfect--or any--words when I pray because it's about my heart.

I'm learning that, as terrifying as surrendering is, God is so present and faithful in the midst of it all.

I'm learning not to let what I want--as noble as that may be--close me off from God's will for me.

I'm learning that, as cliche as it sounds, God really does have a purpose for the hard stuff and He will show me that purpose in due time.

I'm learning that God's timing is good, even when I'm impatient.

I'm learning that it's okay to reach out, with tears streaming down my face, and tell someone, "I'm not okay."

I'm learning that IT'S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.

I'm learning that it's okay to let people invest in me.

I'm learning that there is so much freedom in not caring if people notice me.

I'm learning that God really is as personal as everyone says He is.

I'm learning that God is so, so, so good and so, so, so faithful.

I've had a lot of days this month when I wasn't okay. But I am now. God's been good every step of the way. He's been faithful beyond my ability to comprehend.

hindsight.

This weekend was really rough. Sometimes life hurts. But I just read some things I wrote two years ago and I'm not sure I can express how humbled I am by them. God has brought me so far. I never noticed it happening, but wow, did He work in me. Perspective sure can make a difference.

I started thinking about this while doing school this morning (it was very distracting. ever tried to tell God how good He is to you while reading an economics book at the same time? it doesn't work very well. just take my word for it.) and honestly, it was pretty overwhelming to think about how I was doing a year ago (and even worse--two years ago) vs. how I'm doing now. Obviously, life is not perfect right now (is it ever?!). But when I think about where I was and, even more humbling, where I could be, I'm amazed by God's faithfulness through everything. Even when I've been preoccupied with all that isn't good or fun in my life, God's been there guarding my heart from the darkness and bitterness that I now see were trying to seep into my spirit. I don't want to be too dramatic (but I will be. we all know how I am), but if it hadn't been for God's constancy in my life, I could be a different person today.

My Daddy told me last week, "You have a delightful quality about you, Natalie." That, of course, made me uncomfortable because I was not made for accepting compliments. I tried to pass it off by telling him that I just hide my negativity really well (I don't think he bought it), but I see now that, despite my human nature tendency towards pessimism, God has given me a real delight for life. And that is not something I just should accept without acknowledging its significance. I realize how huge of a blessing that is. Some people constantly struggle to find any reasons to be happy about life, but all I need is a good cup of tea or a twirly skirt and my bad moods go away. I should be jumping for joy and telling the world how good and faithful God is.

So this is me jumping for joy and telling the world about God's goodness and faithfulness to me. Two years ago, I was crying out for God to bring me people who would listen to and love me no matter how much I talked or how many times I complained about little things. And today? Oh, wow, did He deliver. I have people who I can claim and WHO CLAIM ME. THEY LOOK AT ME, SEE MY RIDICULOUSNESS, AND SAY, "I'M YOUR FRIEND." Ahhh. Just the thought of that makes me want to burst from happiness. I'm in the perfect place to do what I always want to do for people: encourage the heck outta them. I can look my friends who feel lonely and hopeless in the eye and tell them, "I came from that. God is faithful. He is with you every step of the way. I promise you, you will come out of this situation a stronger, more joyful person. Just keep holding His hand."

I just had to brag on God a little today. I don't acknowledge it (or Him in general) nearly enough. I'm going to work on that. Life is really freaking beautiful and God just is so dang good. No matter where you are right now, I want to encourage you to take some time to see God's goodness in your life. Even if it seems like nothing's going right, I promise you that He's there with you, loving you endlessly and holding your hand. I wasn't looking for Him, so I missed all the ways that He was faithfully loving me when life was hard. Don't make the same mistake I did. Look for Him and then brag on Him every chance you get.