new year, same Natalie.

I promise not to say "New year, new me".

I actually hate the new year. It always seems to depress me. It's probably the fact that there's all this hype built up about Christmas and New Year's and when they're over, there's nothing more to look forward to. The way I'm wired, I need something to look forward to. Anyway, though, I'm trying my very hardest to be positive about the new year and all the exciting things that will happen in 2015 (though I still don't understand why having a new year changes anything, but that's just me).

But let's not get too wrapped up in the "magic" of the unknown that is 2015 that we miss what happened in 2014. What a year it was for me. I haven't been able to decide if it was a good year or a bad year yet. I mean, amazing things happened. I went on my first out-of-the-country mission trip, which was incredible. I finally became at peace with where I'm at in life now, after a year and a half of fighting it and longing for how life was before things changed. I learned about joy and contentment and how beautifully necessary they are. On the other hand, however, my heart feels like it was beaten to the ground and trampled over. I had to come to terms with who I am and how much that person needs to change. That hurt so deeply. I lost track of the number of times I cried, "Just make me worth living!" to Jesus and despaired of it ever happening.

I can't say as I'm a different person coming out of 2014. I still have all the faults and downfalls that I had. I can only say that I've grown. I'm still Natalie. I mess up constantly. But I am growing. I claim that growth.

But this year, I want to grow more. I want my story to keep growing more and more beautiful. I had a long talk with myself today and I decided that, if I only accomplish one thing this year, I want it to be letting Jesus' love be enough for me. I want to be able to say one year from now that even if no one ever accepts or loves me again, I will still have contentment in the love of Jesus. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I want it to be true of me.

So, here's to 2015. Here's to being made new and beautiful. Whatever you're going to throw in my face, dear 2015, I can't say as I'm ready now, but I will be when it comes down to it.

Darling heart, we're going to crush this year.