unacceptable behavior. wake the heck up, Jesus-lovers.

I have a rant. Get ready for it.

Christ-followers. My dear, wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ. I gotta tell ya: You're driving me insane. I'm saying this in all the love I possibly can muster. Why are you driving me insane? Oh, you better believe I'm gonna tell ya.

You know how you dis other denominations? And how you start the "Free will vs. Predestination" debate on Twitter and blog posts with other Christ-followers? And how you not-so-kindly express that, according to you, your opinion is correct and anyone who disagrees with you is just wrong? You, my fellow Jesus-lovers, are the source of my frustration.

Every time you alienate yourself from other believers because you disagree with them, you totally miss the point of the body of Christ. I'm not talking about the stuff like Jesus being God's Son or being saved by grace through faith or Jesus dying and coming back to life after 3 days. No, not the fundamentals (though if you alienate those who disagree on those subjects, you are still missing the point, but that's a different rant for a different day). I'm talking denominations and whether or not abortion or homosexuality are wrong. Things that, while important topics, do not make or break your going to heaven.

Christ-followers, your fellow believers who differ on those subjects will answer for their beliefs. And you, my friends, you will answer for how you treat them based on those beliefs. If that scares you, I suggest you have a little self-evaluation time and decide if you are mistreating those who you disagree with. It's a tough discussion to have with yourself, I know.

If the body of Christ is dysfunctional, how can we expect to effectively reach the lost? We need to be a team, united by our mutual love for and dependence on Christ. There's no time to be selfish. Every moment we spend arguing with those we should be working together with is a moment wasted. What if the time you spent being rude to your fellow Christ-followers could have been spent loving on people who don't know Jesus? Don't you realize that the rudeness you express to other believers is seen by nonbelievers and turns them off the concept of loving Jesus? They think that we are hypocrites because they look in at the body of Christ and see the hand slapping the foot and think, "What kind of body is this? I don't want to be a part of a body that purposely inflicts pain on itself."

WAKE UP. Lost souls are more important than this. We cannot afford to waste our time on thoughtless hurtful comments thrown into the faces of those we should be united with. Wake the heck up, Christ-followers. This is not Jesus' love. This is not how He dealt with things. This is how Pharisees dealt with things.

your love is worth loving with, my dear.

"The true world-changers don't stop loving even when their heart's getting beaten up."

I get it. Your heart is taking a beating. There's not enough time for that darling heart of yours to recover before the next punch is thrown. It hurts so badly and you just want to give up and stop loving. Logic is screaming in your ear, "It's not worth it. Stop now before you get hit again." Love is whispering, "Don't give up. It's still worth it. You're still changing lives." No one would blame you for listening to logic. I wouldn't blame you. It's screaming so loud and your heart hurts so much and you just want a break from the pain that naturally comes with pouring your love into people's lives.

This is the choice that changes everything. You can choose the safe zone and pull that broken heart back into the safety of your own hands and not let anyone else touch it. Like I said, no one would blame you. Oh, but you could listen to the whisper. You could keep putting your heart out there and keep pouring your love into others. There's risk, but risk just makes love even more of an adventure.

I've been in that place before. Heck, I still am. That place where you're loving people so hard and not getting anything in return. You pour your heart into their life and they don't even acknowledge it. Darling, I get it. It hurts so much. Some days, you're going to want to scream, "Am I really just not worth loving back?" and that's okay. Just land in the knowledge that you are worth loving back and people are doing the best they can. Others' oblivion feeds our own insecurities (oblivion is one of my greatest enemies) and we have to choose to listen to the whisper of "It's still worth it and so are you."

So, darling, be a world-changer. Surprise people by loving harder than ever when your heart hurts more than ever. It's always worth it. I cannot stress enough how much it matters. The world's gonna be a more beautiful place because you loved when it felt like you had nothing left. It already is, simply because you exist and your heart is overflowing with your unique, beautiful love. No one else can bring to the table what you can bring. Walk boldly up to the table. Don't let that familiar fear of rejection make you walk with your eyes to the ground. Lovely, you better walk with your head held high because the world needs your love.

Sweetheart, keep loving. Don't give in to the fear. You've got Jesus on your side so why would you ever want to let fear rule you? Through Him, you are bigger and better than the fear. Your comfort zone is nice and cozy, but adventures never came from comfort zones.

new year, same Natalie.

I promise not to say "New year, new me".

I actually hate the new year. It always seems to depress me. It's probably the fact that there's all this hype built up about Christmas and New Year's and when they're over, there's nothing more to look forward to. The way I'm wired, I need something to look forward to. Anyway, though, I'm trying my very hardest to be positive about the new year and all the exciting things that will happen in 2015 (though I still don't understand why having a new year changes anything, but that's just me).

But let's not get too wrapped up in the "magic" of the unknown that is 2015 that we miss what happened in 2014. What a year it was for me. I haven't been able to decide if it was a good year or a bad year yet. I mean, amazing things happened. I went on my first out-of-the-country mission trip, which was incredible. I finally became at peace with where I'm at in life now, after a year and a half of fighting it and longing for how life was before things changed. I learned about joy and contentment and how beautifully necessary they are. On the other hand, however, my heart feels like it was beaten to the ground and trampled over. I had to come to terms with who I am and how much that person needs to change. That hurt so deeply. I lost track of the number of times I cried, "Just make me worth living!" to Jesus and despaired of it ever happening.

I can't say as I'm a different person coming out of 2014. I still have all the faults and downfalls that I had. I can only say that I've grown. I'm still Natalie. I mess up constantly. But I am growing. I claim that growth.

But this year, I want to grow more. I want my story to keep growing more and more beautiful. I had a long talk with myself today and I decided that, if I only accomplish one thing this year, I want it to be letting Jesus' love be enough for me. I want to be able to say one year from now that even if no one ever accepts or loves me again, I will still have contentment in the love of Jesus. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I want it to be true of me.

So, here's to 2015. Here's to being made new and beautiful. Whatever you're going to throw in my face, dear 2015, I can't say as I'm ready now, but I will be when it comes down to it.

Darling heart, we're going to crush this year.

you're worth an eternity of loving, darling.

I just wanna hug everyone tonight.  I just wanna look you in the eyes and say, "Darling, YOU ARE ENOUGH.  YOU MATTER.  YOU ARE WORTH LOVING."  I just wanna love everyone I meet so hard that they stop and ask, "Why do you love people so much?" so I can say, "JESUS."

I don't know, I just want to encourage you today to have conversations with people.  Have conversations with people you've known forever and have conversations with people you've only just met.  Just have conversations.  And by "conversations", I mean listening to what the other has to say and not thinking about what you're going to say next.  It'll be your turn to talk soon enough, goodness gracious.  Take the time to hear people.  There's absolutely no limit to the relationships you will build simply by listening to what is on someone's heart.  How many times have you said to yourself, "If only someone would just listen to me"?  Be that person for others.

Can I ever stress enough how vital loving people is? When you choose to love someone without a second thought of whether they will care or return it, you are saying, "You are enough. You matter. You are worth loving." Please, please, please, don't discredit the importance of sending that message by example. You can tell people they matter all you want (and you should! please, please do), but what really makes them stop and listen is when they see you caring even when you don't have to. It's about how you stick around and love even harder when they keep giving you reasons to give up. It's not about loving when it's easy. It's about loving when all you want to do is say, "But they didn't love me."

Jesus has loved me so hard that I couldn't see past Him to doubt His love. One of the ways He expressed that love was by bringing people into my life who saw past my insecurities and age and silliness and just freaking loved me. That's why I'm so passionate about doing that for others. I desperately want you to see how deeply He loves you, darling.

Now, go love people as hard as you can. They're worth loving, and so are YOU.

contentment with a side of joy, please.

"I am fiercely loved and one of my biggest downfalls is not acknowledging that enough."

I haven't written anything in over a month. Why, you ask (not that you're asking or anything)? Because my heart hasn't been aching deeply. Dangit. Shouldn't I have more to say when my heart isn't hurting? I don't know. Don't ask me. But I'm here again! Yes, I know, you're so excited. I hope you can detect the sarcasm in that statement. Anyway, I'm moving on before I embarrass myself further. Don't worry, I'm not back because my heart is aching deeply. I'm back because it isn't.

Last month, a friend asked me how I was doing and I honestly wasn't sure how to give a short answer to that, so I simply replied with, "That depends on how interested you are in the answer." He assured me that he was interested, so then I actually had to come up with an accurate description of how I was. I'll skip mentioning the negative parts of my life here that I stated because they're irrelevant, but rest assured that I had some stuff going on in my brain that was trying to get me down on myself. But the point I'm trying to reach with all of my 3am jumbled ramblings is the fact that I could honestly tell my friend that I was doing wonderfully. Despite the stuff that was dragging my brain back into that "You're not good enough and you'll never amount to anything" mentality, I could honestly say, "You know, I'm doing wonderfully."

How did I ever manage to get my thick-headed, always negative, selfish little self to that point? Spoiler alert: I sure as heck didn't do anything. It was all Jesus.

My cousin and I were talking one time several months back and she said something that struck a chord in my heart and hasn't stopped bouncing around in my brain ever since. We were talking about how the year had been really emotionally difficult for her and how she managed to get through that and she brought up contentment. She said, "If I could only ever have one of God's blessings, it would be contentment because, without it, nothing would ever be enough for me." Oh, dang. That's it. That's it.

I keep coming back to that. My heart likes to focus on all the things that are not good in my life, but I have to tell my silly heart to shut up and see the GOOD. Because, oh, is there good in my life. Here's a little snippet of what I sent to my friend: "I have friends who truly care about me and show that more than they ever have before, I have parents who invest so deeply in me, and I have Jesus who gives me enough joy and strength to face everything I have to deal with.  I am fiercely loved and one of my biggest downfalls is not acknowledging that enough."

Now! Lest you think I'm here to glorify what I said and how I'm content with my life, lemme get something straight here:  I am possibly the worst ever at acknowledging and appreciating the blessings in my life. For every moment of contentment I have, I spend at least 10 moments wishing for something better and lovelier. So please don't think that I'm trying to put my small moment of appreciating my life's little blessings on a pedestal because I am not. If anyone is worthy of standing on that pedestal, it would be literally anyone but me.

All I know about this contentment thing is that it comes from Jesus. I am anything but an expert, but I do know that it comes only from Jesus and being acutely aware of His relentless love for us. When you give all that yuck in your life over to your sweet Jesus, He will give you a joy that you can't explain. You'll find yourself vainly searching for words to describe how you're doing when an acquaintance asks. Mm, darling, what a beautiful place to be.

But before I end, lemme say one more thing: Your pain does not have to diminish your contentment. You own that pain. Don't push it back down into that part of your heart that you don't let visit. Own it, sweetheart. Don't you dare let your pain take away from your joy. Let it add to your joy by saying, "Here, Jesus. Make this beautiful. It hurts, but it's Yours. Do what You want with it."

Tonight, I'm choosing to let my heart dwell in the beautiful things...and those beautiful things aren't just the flowers and chocolate that happened today, remember. I really hope you'll choose to do the same. It'll change your world, darling.

darling, the little things matter.

My heart is screaming out to be the person that everyone sees as joyful and encouraging. My heart is screaming out to be the person who, when someone is hurting, they know they can come to me and spill everything out without fear or hesitation. My heart is screaming out to be the person that inspires others to love Jesus with everything in them. My heart is saying, "I'm not that person and I will never measure up."

Oh, but heart, that is where you're wrong.

It's not the times when I say something and everyone falls off their seats from its profoundness. It's not the times when I say something and everyone tells me, "Wow, Natalie, that's exactly what I needed to hear!" It's not the times when everyone comes to me with their hearts to pour everything into my lap and wait for me to say "just the right thing". My heart is hung up on the numbers and the responses when I can see clearly that what I'm saying and doing matters right now.

Today, I refuse to allow my heart to be discouraged. Today, I'm reminding myself of the times when I have had the opportunity for conversation. My heart often likes to overlook the importance and necessity of conversation. My heart is pretty selfish and only wants the exciting stuff. But guess what matters more? The small stuff. The times when you tell someone you love them. The times when you look someone in the eye and say with all the sincerity in you, "How are you today?" and they can feel that you mean it and care what they have to say. The times when you see someone with an aching heart and you just hug it out. The times when you say, "You matter" to someone who's never believed it. I could go on forever. Those times matter infinitely. Seize them. Cherish them. You are making a difference with your smile to that stranger who looks like they're having the worst day of their life. See how their face lights up when they see that you care?

So, today I'm not going to dismiss the small things. I'm going to be encouraged by smiles and "I love you"s and hugs and "You matter"s. I'm going to encourage with those, as well. Don't let yourself get discouraged by a lack of response. What you're doing matters. What you're saying matters. You're leaving your mark on this world. People see it and people feel it. Don't you dare discredit your ability to make the world better simply because someone didn't say, "Hey, you said exactly what I needed to hear." Love with Jesus' love and the world will remember that...but don't let it be about fame. Let it be about Jesus and eternity, because they matter the most.

This post was me writing to myself, but I sure hope it resonates with you as well. Be encouraged, darling. You're worth the fight.

own this pain.

"I was so broken, but there was so much beauty in that brokenness, and I could finally see that."

This weekend, I was reminded of the darkest season of my life.  I switched things up a bit and wrote about it for an assignment in my online class.  It brought back so many feelings that I'd left behind in my sweet Jesus' hands.  I felt that pain again and it almost made me break down all over again.  It hurt.  My heart ached being reminded of it, but I'm so thankful that I was.

In hindsight, I see the necessity of that time.  I realize that I would not be the person I am today (flawed and messy as I am) without it.  Yes, it hurt.  Yes, I wanted it all to end at the time.  Yes, I felt like I would never climb out of my pit of darkness.  But, oh, how Jesus used that.

There's an underlying theme in who I am and what this blog thing is all about.  You've probably noticed it if you've read more than one of my posts.  That theme is the beauty in pain.  Jesus takes that hurt--yes, that hurt that is threatening to overwhelm you and seems like it will never end--and makes it so beautiful.  Your life is and will be such a beautiful thing.  That's why you gotta stick out the pain.  It will end.  I promise.  I totally understand the feeling that it never will.  I've been there.  I've been in that moment when you feel like you're drowning in pain and you'll never get a breath of fresh air.  I've felt it.  I haven't felt your pain and I haven't experienced your circumstances, but this pain will not last forever and I can promise you that.

"But You are a Savior and You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful."

Honestly, I feel like this post wasn't focused, so lemme just tell ya what I'm feelin' here.  I know you're hurting.  Life can throw some pretty intense stuff straight into our faces just when we glance the other way.  But I'm just saying that you can make it.  This pain will end and it will be made so beautiful.  Next year (or maybe even tomorrow), you will look back at this season and say, "Wow, that really shaped who I am today."  So, are you going to surrender and let our Jesus make this beautiful or are you going to hold onto your pain and keep trying to dig yourself out on your own?  I did that once.  The walls only caved in and I found myself in deeper (don't do it. it's really bad and unhealthy and ineffective okay?).

Let Jesus take this brokenness and make it beautiful.  You're worth it.  Keep on keepin' on.  I believe in you.  You're a rock star and you will make it.