underwhelmed by perfect love?

"I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."

I have a 40-minute drive home from church.  Those 40 minutes are often occupied by singing as loud as I can to bands like The Vespers or Mike Mains & The Branches.  I honestly don't listen to the radio very often when it's just me.  I put in a CD and sing so hard that I get out any aggression I'm feeling.  But some nights, on the way home from youth group, after feeling that intense desire for worship, I turn on Christian radio and let Jesus do the talking.  That was me last night.  And He talked.

I was jumping stations a lot due to bad reception, Casting Crowns, and the KLOVE pledge drive (I admire them for being able to be listener-supported but I do not admire their begging techniques and I have no money to pledge and I'm all-around heartless, so I avoid it).  I heard "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave twice on two different stations and was hit by a metaphorical bus.  I get overwhelmed by everything so easily.  Sometimes I look at an assignment in school and say (dramatically), "I'll never be able to do this!"  I see sunsets and other pretty things and get utterly overwhelmed by the pretty and have a little meltdown right there.  But Jesus?  Do I get overwhelmed by the goodness and constancy and relentless love of my Jesus?  Not too often.  Some days I realize how much I can't comprehend His love, but it's not a common thing.  I should be in constant awe of His beauty, grace, and love.  Reality check numero uno.

A little later, as I was going through the dark, borderline uninhabited stretch of my drive home, a line in a song gave me a little slap in the face.  "I'm the one You love.  That will be enough."  (Remind Me Who I Am - Jason Gray)  Whaaat?  I had to process this for a while.  When has that ever been enough for me?  Oh, I wish I could say, "Jesus has ALWAYS been enough for me and I never ever desire more from this life than His love!" but that would be such a lie.  Man.  Jesus was just gettin' straight to my heart.  I honestly had to blink back a few tears (we are talking an emotional teenage girl here, I mean, come on) and acknowledge that, nope, He's never been enough, and if I keep on the way I am, He never will be.  Oooh, that stings.  It sure does hurt my pride, and that's exactly why it needs to be addressed and dealt with.

So here I am:  I'm a mess.  I'm a hypocrite.  I'm basically a lost cause on my own.  But that's not the end of my story and I will not allow myself to be manipulated by the lie that I will never amount to anything more.  Because here I am:  Loved relentlessly and passionately and patiently by a beautiful God who will never stop saying "I'm not finished with you yet, My darling daughter."  Tonight, I choose to park in that.